


the stars are not always visible

by emilia_kaisa



Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [9]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, EurovisionSongChallenge, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Miscommunication, Not Beta Read, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sebi, Slovenia, author.exe stopped working, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:34:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22635196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: There are tears in your eyesLet them keep fallingWhen our wishes differYou accept me and I accept you
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619623
Comments: 11
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song is 'Sebi' by Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl and I'm a bit disappoited with this fic because I love this song and I don't feel like I make it justice but that's the only thing I was able to get out today, so- hope you enjoy!  
> (It will be like 2, top 3 chapters, I have the rest of the story in my head but not sure how wordy it will get)

_When your mind is full_

_You can listen to my heart beating_

_When your burden is heavy_

_You can take refuge in me_

* * *

Yuzuru took a deep breath, and looked up at the dark blue skye. Stars were somewhere there for sure, but now they were drowning in bright lights of Toronto, and for a brief moment Yuzuru wished he could go somewhere far away, where there would be darkness around him and a starry sky above him. 

“Having a moment in here?”

Yuzuru blinked and looked to his left, eyes meeting Javi’s, and his stomach clenched, blood circling in his veins just a little bit faster.

_ ‘No, I’m waiting for you.’ _

He wished he could say that out loud. 

“Just thinking. Need to call uber home.” he said and Javi tilted his head with curiosity.

“Mom can’t pick you up?”

“She’s in Japan. Family things.” Yuzuru said shortly and Javi’s expression morphed into slight concern.

“Is everyone okay?” he asked, of course he did, kind and caring as always, and Yuzuru needed two seconds to collect himself before answering.

“Yeah. Nothing big.”

Javi nodded, his expression going back to his usual smile, and for a moment it felt as if nothing had changed, as if they were still training mates, as if Javi was still living in Toronto and not visiting for some unknown reason. Well, the reason wasn’t unknown- he was a coach now, and learning how to improve constantly.

“Okay, I will-” Yuzuru sighed awkwardly, taking his phone out, and Javi took a step closer, his smile growing a bit wider.

“Want me to give you a ride? I have a very fancy rental car.” he chuckled and despite that weird melancholy coiling inside him, Yuzuru smiled. 

Why not? Just a few minutes longer with Javi, before he would leave in a few days, like always. 

“It’s not a problem?”

“Not at all.”

Javi’s car was far away from fancy, but it was warm and filled with a surprisingly pleasant scent of pine air refresher. They were sitting close, and Yuzuru took a deep, discreet breath as Javi did a quick job with readjusting car mirrors and starting the engine. 

“So, how are you?” Javi asked and Yuzuru winced a little. Javi wasn’t back in Toronto for long, just a few days, and they hadn’t really had a chance to talk. And Yuzuru wasn’t really in a mood for talking, still trying to fully come to terms with his disappointment at Japan Nationals. 

“I’m okay. Focused.” he said and Javi laughed softly, shaking his head and keeping his eyes on the road “You know you can talk to me anytime, right?”

_ ‘I always could, I just didn’t want to. I was too afraid you would notice.’ _

Yuzuru had come to terms with his feelings and choices a long time ago. With love he knew he had to give up in order to chase his dream of gold. 

And that road had to be lonely. 

He never really regretted that way, but sometimes, in the moments like that, when him and Javi were close and quiet and comfortable, he couldn’t help but wonder how his life could look like. 

And maybe he could have just a little bit of that  _ what if _ now.

“Hey Javi?” he asked before he could think about all pros and cons “Do you have plans for tonight?”

“Well, eating leftover pasta and watching Netflix is my go to.” Javi laughed, taking a careful turn right, and Yuzuru just had to smile too. 

“Watching something fun?”

“Well there is that German show, there, it’s so crazy, with time travels and stuff-”

“Would it be okay if-” Yuzuru started, and then closed his mouth, not sure how to voice what he wanted to say. 

“Help me with the pasta? Yes please, there’s way too much of this left.” Javi said easily, as if it was the most natural thing to do for them. 

Maybe it could be, for a day.

“Great.” Yuzuru nodded, and Javi glanced at him, smiling, and Yuzuru had to smile too, butterflies awakening in his stomach. 

It had been ages ago, when he felt them for the first time, that little moment when everything changed. Or nothing really changed, because Yuzuru shoved his feelings deep down, faintly expecting them to go away. But they never did. Maybe they never would, and all Yuzuru could ask and get was a bit of time and Javi’s smile. 

How did it happen? Yuzuru had no idea, but suddenly he found himself curled on a lumpy sofa in Javi’s tiny airbnb, clutching an empty bowl in his hands and desperately trying to hold himself together, and it was all the result of Javi’s sincere _ How are you, really? _

“Okay.” he mumbled, looking down, as far away from Javi’s concerned gaze as possible “It’s all good. Can we maybe watch that German show, that sounded-”

“Hey.” Javi murmured, putting two fingers under Yuzuru’s chin “If you don’t feel like talking it’s okay, but if you do, I’m here.”

_ ‘But you won’t be soon.’  _ Yuzuru wanted to scream, but he only kept on staring at Javi, his soft, curious and just a bit worried expression, and Yuzuru felt that he couldn’t look away, and couldn’t stop tears from gathering in his eyes, and Javi sighed quietly, running his thumb along Yuzuru’s jaw, and the world stopped, frozen in the little space between them.

It was just so much on his head, nothing new but weighing on his shoulders more than usual, all the stress, determination and disappointment mounting inside him. And on the top of all of that was Javi, who didn’t need any of that, ans who was looking at Yuzuru with confusion and worry written all over his face.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Javi muttered, sounding a little bit helpless, genuinely upset “What’s going on? Maybe food was too spicy?” he attempted to joke, as if truly hoping that it would stop the tears from falling, but if anything, Yuzuru cried only harder, because it wasn’t fair of Javi, to be that way, it was no fair that Yuzuru was so in love with him, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t. 

And because it wasn’t fair, Yuzuru leaned in and pressed his lips to Javi’s, only for a second, one, two, until Javi made a weird, muffled sound and Yuzuru realized that he was just making so much mess that he probably wouldn’t be able to ever clean it up. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” he yelped, moving away so rapidly he almost fell on his back “I’m going, now. See you, I’m sorry-” he rambled, standing up and going for the door, almost tumbling down in the search for his jacket. 

“No, wait, hey-” Javi pleaded, following him but not making attempts at any physical contact “Hey, it’s okay, just wait a second, let’s talk-”

Yuzuru almost gave in, almost, because it would be great, to have that one honest talk, finally, and he probably owed Javi that, to explain why he was acting that way. 

But when Yuzuru wasn’t on the ice, he was a little bit of a coward, so he sent Javi one more apologetic smile that probably looked more like a grimace, and rushed through the door as fast as he could, almost killing himself on the staircase. 

But then, when he was one step away from exiting the building, he stopped, as if his body had its own will now, ignoring the mess in his head that was screaming at him to get away. 

But then suddenly he was standing back at Javi’s doorstep, and he didn’t even knock before putting his hand on the doorknob and walking inside, only to see Javi still standing there, as if he was waiting, frozen in the same spot Yuzuru had left him in. 

“Hi.” Yuzuru croaked, taking a small step forward “Can, can I-” he stammered, tears threatening to fall again “Can we-”

“Yeah.” Javi said, his expression both hurt and vulnerable and gentle, as he watched Yuzuru from his spot, not making any move “We should.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what this is tbh

It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

Yuzuru was supposed to sit with Javi on the couch, apologize and try to explain. Tell him how much of a mess Yuzuru was lately, how he was swinging between ups and downs, between happiness and disappointment, how hard it was to decide what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to tell him that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, confused at that difficult point of his life.

He was supposed to lie and blame the kiss on being too overwhelmed, and he was supposed to leave after making sure that everything was fine between them.

But nothing like that happened.

“We should.” Javi said, biting his lip and looking at Yuzuru with eyes that were both intense and pleading, his fingers curling at his sides, as if he wanted to make a move, come closer, but he stayed still, a little uncertain smile blossoming on his face.

_We should._

They should talk. They really, really should, but Yuzuru couldn’t bring himself to speak, because the only words echoing in his head were the ones pathetically screaming about love and regret and missed chances, and he couldn’t allow himself to do that.

So he kept on standing, rooted to the spot, staring at Javi whose expression started dimming, something like hope flickering in his eyes once more before being swept away by some tired resignation.

“Yuzu.” he sighed, shaking his head a bit, like he always did when he was about to walk away from something uncomfortable “I-” he sighed again, and then slowly walked closer, and Yuzuru’s heart skipped a beat, and he couldn’t help it, he closed his eyes and waited, his body tensing with anticipation.

He yelped loudly when he felt a warm hand touching his cheek, lightly, as if Yuzuru was made of something so precious and breakable Javi was afraid to get closer.

“Hey.” Javi said, a bit helpless, and Yuzuru forced his eyes open, because he owed that to Javi, at least that, but he regretted it instantly, because Javi was so close and so warm, and his eyes looked so beautiful, wide open and dark.

It’s all your fault, Javi. How am I supposed not to love you?

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuru managed to say, his voice a raw mutter, and Javi swallowed visibly, his fingers pressing Yuzuru’s cheek a bit harder, but still gentle.

“Don’t apologize.” he asked quietly “Don’t apologize for that-” his murmured, his gaze dropping down, and Yuzuru gasped, freezing in realization.

He had never even considered that Javi could feel for him something more than just regular sympathy. It was easier that way, easier to keep himself at bay. But now, blinking through his haze, Yuzuru noticed something in Javi’s expression, for the very first time.

A spark of attraction. Maybe a bit of longing.

That was new, and that was surprising, or maybe it shouldn’t be, and Yuzuru’s brain couldn’t process all of that, but he also knew that he had to do something, anything, because he couldn’t stand that suffocating, overwhelming tension that was hanging in the air between him and Javi.

He didn’t think. He let his body move.

Javi didn’t back away, and didn’t even make any surprised sound, as if somehow he saw this coming. He just sighed brokenly against Yuzuru’s mouth, as if he was giving up, arms wrapping around Yuzuru’s waist to keep him close, kissing him back. And nothing else seemed to matter, thoughts evaporating from Yuzuru's mind, no past and no future, not even second spared for reasons and consequences.

Yuzuru put his hands on Javi's shoulders, pushing him, not sure what he wanted but craving more, and Javi muttered something lowly, fumbling backwards under pressure of Yuzuru's body against his. He was kissing Yuzuru with some fluttering gentleness, as if he was in some kind of a daze, careful, maybe still not able to really process what was happening. And for a second Yuzuru thought that maybe he should stop, do some talking, establish what the hell were they doing. But Yuzuru was selfish, selfish and too addicted to the feeling of Javi's mouth on his to risk it, to risk Javi pulling away and asking questions Yuzuru wouldn't answer.

So he just kissed Javi harder, fingers digging in the flesh of his shoulders, and Javi gasped, a little sound of surrender as he kissed Yuzuru deeper, giving in completely.

_How did it happen?_

Yuzuru had no idea, and he didn't think about it, lost in the moment, in the slick heat of Javi's mouth opening under Yuzuru's, welcoming wet, sloppy kisses. Since the moment they had tumbled there, Javi falling on the bed and Yuzuru crawling on top of him, Yuzuru was in total control of what was happening, and it was the most intoxicating feeling, stronger even than standing in the middle of the ice after a record breaking skate.

There were those little moments, small hitches when Javi's lips were parting as if to say something, something soft and serious flashing in his eyes for a second before they would get blurry with want again. Still, there was something incredibly careful in the way he cradled Yuzuru's face, how he caressed his nape with gentle fingers, as if trying to ground himself, convince himself that it was all real.

It must have been surprising, Yuzuru thought as he dipped his tongue in the hollow of Javi's throat, drawing soft gasps out of him. Yuzuru had been careful to hide his feelings through the years, and it wasn't even that hard, until now, until suddenly it was way too late to ask for anything. But if that was everything Yuzuru could get, he would take it.

He didn't have any plan, just followed his instincts, the hunger coiling inside him, as if after all those years of suppression all the feelings were making their way to the surface. Everything inside him felt tense, his muscles trembling, and everything felt so hot, the air filling his lungs, Javi's skin under his hands and lips.

"Wait."

At first, Yuzuru didn't really get it, until he felt Javi tugging on his hair, gentle but stern, and he looked up and right into Javi's eyes, the warmth in his stomach being swept by something cold and awful.

Javi smiled, soft and tired, his fingers sliding to Yuzuru's cheek, and suddenly Yuzuru realized, with full clarity, the situation, the position they were in, with his leg pressed in between Javi's, his expression and moves filled with greed and want, and how Javi's eyes were big and serious, both concerned and confused, and Yuzuru's heart dropped.

_What am I doing?_

_Who are we, now?_

"We shouldn't be doing this." Javi murmured, fingers curling against Yuzuru's jaw, as if he wanted to comfort him "Not like that."

Oh.

"I'm sorry." Yuzuru choked out, his face feeling hot as reality started catching up, the terrible awkwardness of what was happening, the humiliation and shame making his insides tie into the tight, painful knots "I'm sorry, I'm going-" he mumbled, backing off, exactly like not so long before, when Yuzuru had ran away, and now he was running away again.

"Wait, wait." Javi pleaded, sitting up and trying to catch his hand, but Yuzuru flinched away, trying to find his shoes and putting them on.

Javi sighed, and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, looking at Yuzuru intently, not trying to touch him again.

"Yuzu, don't go, I-" Javi started, and suddenly Yuzuru realized how tired he looked, with shadows under his eyes and some slowness in his moves.

He looked young, with soft light falling on his face, short hair making him look vulnerable, and Yuzuru couldn't do that, and he felt wrong, angry at himself for what he had caused.

"Yuzu, please, just, let's just talk, okay?" Javi pleaded, rubbing his face tiredly "Or we don't have to now, we can do it in the morning-"

"I need to go-"

"For fuck's sake, Yuzu!" Javi bursted, louder than before, standing up, and Yuzuru yelped with surprise "You don't get to do that! Just-" he sighed, his shoulders dropping "I can take the couch, I don't want you to go around the city upset-"

"And I don't want to be here!" Yuzuru yelled, an edge of hysteria in his voice "I want to go and never-" he wasn't even thinking about what he was saying, what he wanted to say, and he only stared, his chest heaving and throat clenching, watched silently how Javi's expression twisted.

"Then go." Javi said simply, his face going blank, voice flat "You know the way already."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea I just like writing angst???

_ "You know the way already." _

Javi's expression was stoic, as if he didn't care at all, but his eyes were shimmering, little stars threatening to turn into liquid and fall, and Yuzuru hated himself for doing that, for messing up, for being such an utter, selfish coward who didn't have enough courage to confess his feelings and enough strength to do what was right. 

He wanted to go, he wanted to stay, he wanted to turn back time and never get into Javi's car. He wanted to forget the kisses and heat of their bodies pressed against each other, and he wanted to go back to that friendly atmosphere they had during those days of Javi's presence in Toronto. 

But whatever closeness and friendship had ever been there, it seemed to be gone now, lost forever by Yuzuru's recklessness. 

He didn't want to talk to Javi. He didn't want to explain on his pathetic words that it was all because he loved him, miserably and hopelessly, and it was killing him now, it hurt more than ever before, and Yuzuru couldn't stand it, couldn't stand Javi going away and then coming back, coursing between Madrid and Toronto happily, blind to the fact that Yuzuru's heart was crumbling into pieces. 

Javi inhaled deeply through his nose, arms folding on his chest in a defensive gesture and jaw tensing, as if he wanted to ask what the hell Yuzuru was still doing there, since a moment earlier he had wanted to leave so desperately. 

_ We shouldn't be doing this. _

It burned, the rejection, realization that the spark of attraction he had seen in Javi's eyes wasn't enough. 

_ Not like that. _

"I don't understand you, Yuzuru." 

Javi's voice was quiet and steady, but Yuzuru could swear there was some slight trembling there, as if Javi was trying to stop himself from shouting. 

"I'm sorry." he tried pathetically and Javi let out a quiet, pained chuckle. 

"I don't want to hear it. You only apologize and apologize, and I still have no fucking idea-" Javi stopped, gritting his teeth and curling his fingers, as if trying to ground himself "You can go. I'm not stopping you." 

They looked at each other, and Yuzuru felt it physically, all the remainings of warmth that were clinging to his skin started fading away, until he felt just cold, seeping to his bones, freezing him from inside. 

Yuzuru took a step back, and another one, his eyes turning blurry, and the last thing he saw before running away was the sight of Javi's expression, facade dropping and face twisting with sorrow. 

* * *

He was so cold he couldn't even feel it anymore. 

Snow was crunching quietly under his shoes as he walked, he had no idea where he was going, he just knew that it was lately and lonely, unfamiliar street lights casting shadows on empty pavements.

Yuzuru knew he should take his phone, check buses or call an Uber, but he couldn't force himself to do so, thought about coming to the empty house tying his stomach into knots. 

He felt bad, sick and weak, wrong and embarrassed. He wasn't feeling like himself either, because he had never been so hopeless and sad before, as if nothing really mattered anymore. 

And maybe, it didn't. 

He just wished he could see the stars. 

* * *

He woke up with a pounding headache telling of dehydration and his skin burning in fever. 

Last night felt unreal, as if it had happened years before, and not mere hours. Yuzuru's chest still felt tight, as well as his stomach, but he knew he wouldn't be able to swallow any food. He forced into himself some sweet tea before he took long hot shower that didn't manage to warm him up or wash the hurt and embarrassment off. 

For the first time in the history of his training, Yuzuru was late. It was only six minutes after the beginning of the practice when he stepped on the ice, sending Brian weak, apologetic smile and trying to ignore the other side of the room, where Javi was holding a class with a bunch of giddy juniors. 

How was it going to be, now? 

But Javi was going to leave in a few days anyway, again, and maybe that time he wouldn't be back, and it would be Yuzuru's fault-

"Yuzu, are you okay?" 

Yuzuru swirled around to tell Brian that yes, everything was perfectly fine- but then his head started spinning and after a second darkness closed over him, taking his consciousness away. 

When Yuzuru came back to his senses, he registered that he was lying on the lumpy couch in Brian's office, with people hovering over him. 

"Oh thank God." Brian sighed, rubbing his face "How are you feeling, are you okay? You fainted and we brought you here, do you need a doctor?”

“I’m good.” Yuzuru muttered, not trying to move yet, feeling weak and sleepy “I didn’t have breakfast?”

“Oh, you too.” Brian scowled, worried and exasperated, before going to his desk and taking out a chocolate bar “You stay here and rest a bit, and eat, okay? If you feel better go back to the ice, but we’re not doing serious training today. Javi, can you just watch him for a bit? Thank you-”

Yuzuru's heart stopped for a moment, because until that moment he hadn’t registered that Javi was there. and now suddenly they were alone, and everything felt wrong. Yuzuru couldn’t even see Javi still, since he kept on staring on the ceiling, but he could hear Javi’s breathing coming from somewhere behind him, he was probably sitting on that old chair Brian loved, that was standing close to the cupboard with all the old papers. 

“When is your mom coming back?”

It sounded almost rehearsed, Javi’s voice quiet and steady, as if it was his duty to ask. 

Yuzuru hated it, people acting like he wasn’t able to take care of himself, and it hurt even more since it was Javi.

“I don’t know. Friday, maybe.”

A quiet hum, a moment of silence, echo of music coming from the rink. 

And then a sigh, a quiet shuffle, and then suddenly Javi was right there, kneeling next to the couch and looking at Yuzuru with big, tired eyes. 

“Why did you kiss me?” he whispered, and Yuzuru closed his eyes, overwhelmed and exhausted.

“Why did you kiss me back?” he asked, and he could swear Javi stopped breathing for a moment before sighing deeply. 

“Rest for a bit more, I need to go catch Brian.”

He left without a word, and Yuzuru was glad. 

He hated when people saw him cry. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
